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Sweet Little Mess

Sarah Melissa, 18, UP Diliman

I've been devouring books since forever. I write down my messy thoughts hoping that I could make sense of them.

hopeless dreamer(s)

Tags: snippets; gamechanger; eyecandy; photos; words

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"Indifference and neglect often do much more damage than outright dislike."
- Albus Dumbledore

One of my favorite quotes from Harry Potter

"Indifference and neglect often do much more damage than outright dislike."
- Albus Dumbledore

One of my favorite quotes from Harry Potter

"You shouldn’t rush things," everyone else warned us. We didn’t listen. Some went as far as saying it won’t last, because it all started fast. We pretended not to hear them. Was it risky? Definitely. Was it worth it? The answer is in the little ways we’ve grown together, in the different lessons I learned because of you, and in all the great things we’ve done with and for each other.

I can’t predict anything, but right now, I can say for real that I’d do it all over again. Everything.

Our family being weird and all during my cousin’s birthday. We celebrated it by having a picnic at the freedom park in UPLB. The birthday girl (Rianne) is the one carrying my uke in one of the photos. :)

The significance of this date

Let me tell you about the day I met her. It was exactly two years ago, a Monday. I agreed to meet up with a friend at a local coffee shop. I was actually too lazy to go out, but somehow I was convinced. I really don’t have Monday classes, so I was still in town that day. It was all a matter of chance.

I knew I was going to be introduced to someone, though I didn’t know yet that she would be a significant person. She was, I thought, just someone who slightly resembled a friend from high school; she would be my friend, too, at most.

I went there wearing plain clothes, something we still laugh about now. If I knew it was going to be a life-changing kind of day, I would have at least worn shorts that weren’t knee-length, and also definitely not a shirt that says “Baguio City.”

I greeted her, and honestly my first reaction was that, “OMG she does look like my high school batchmate!” I sat beside her, being the friendly person that I am. I was interested in her, but not yet in that special way. I just thought she seemed cool.

We talked non-stop. I was unconsciously disappointed when it was time for her to leave for her exam. And yes, she had an exam that day. I was the talkative girl who disturbed her peace while she was reviewing.

The best part of it all, probably, was when she asked for my number. I didn’t, at first, question my own excitement at being able to extend our conversation. I did, eventually, because the next day I realized I couldn’t stop smiling and thinking about her.

Now, it’s March 5 again. Two years later. And I am very much in love with her.

Still makes me swallow hard

Have, not butterflies,

But excited birds in my stomach

Make up silly lines

And say silly things

Still gives the best shades

Of my favorite colors

To my otherwise monochrome days

Yes she still makes me want

The surprise kisses

Tangle of clothing and sheets

Still crave for the sweet lips

Soft skin that trembles at my touch

Best of all is that there’s still

The ache that draws me in

To her wholeness

To the comfort of her presence

To my sanity

Her sanity

Our love

To the simple feelings

And to the more complicated ones.

Ignorance is bliss

It is easier, not knowing too much about an issue. This is something I learned after the results of our university elections were released. I don’t feel like elaborating, but I just want to express my disappointment. It’s not about being a sore loser, because I didn’t run or actively campaign for anyone. You can say I’m just a regular student, really. But I voted, and I hoped certain people will win.

They say it shouldn’t be about the colors, or the parties, and I agree. Of course it shouldn’t be about the colors. But it definitely should be about their stand on issues - issues that concern us, as students, and as citizens of this country. Like I said, I’m not an expert on this, or as active as others are. All I know, though, is what they say they fight for, and what they answered to questions regarding things that I believe are important. That’s just it.

It’s just sad that… Apparently, the majority of students think that certain fights should be given more weight than those that I wish we were instead focusing on. I don’t even know as much as some other students (and I admire them) but I think I know enough to believe in what these students are fighting for. We owe them. They’re the ones we see on the streets, along with the marginalized. They’re the ones who want us all to have real access to education, which we deserve as supposedly “Iskolars.” They’re the ones who sacrifice their time, energy, and even their safety just so we could at least come close to tasting the rights we should be enjoying as citizens of this country. Yet a lot of us do not think they deserve to lead us. Perhaps this is because we are afraid to believe, or we’ve been brainwashed to think, that their fights are futile. Or, even more saddening, is that maybe some of us do not care to know if these fights are worth it.

We are smart. We have to be, because we are here. It doesn’t end there, though. Because to deserve the status that we are proud of, to deserve being in this university, we must also be brave and daring. We must also know that learning doesn’t end inside our classrooms, and no, it’s not limited to the libraries or this thing we call the Internet. We are here because the country needs us, no matter how that seems a bit to heavy to bear, and a little too idealistic. We should fight for our rights, and for our other countrymen’s, simply because it’s our duty to think and see beyond what is being fed to us by the system, and to resist if we need to. Because we are here (and we love to claim this) to “serve the people.”

Feb 11, 2014

I’ve been looking at ukuleles for the past months, and on this random day, I decided to get myself one. We were just having breakfast at McDonald’s, Cara and I. Then I joked about finally getting a uke, and this girl convinced me to actually do it.

So after our classes, we headed to Sound Essentials at SM North, where we’ve been planning since ever to buy my uke. The staff are friendly, accommodating and not at all intimidating (which was a plus ‘cause I’m shy when it comes to these things). Instead of buying a Makala uke, which is cheaper, I was persuaded by both my girlfriend and the salesman there to get myself a Kala one.

So I did. Yes, I know, I’m gullible and all sometimes… But who wouldn’t give in to this pretty baby*? :)

Meet Courtney, my soprano ukulele.

(*Could refer to either Courtney or Cara. Hihi)


For this year’s Valentine’s Day letter, I would like to compare our relationship to this sentence.

This is probably the most boring sentence ever written. I mean, just look at it. Every bit of it is boring; the font, the colors, the lack of punctuation marks, and even the proper capitalization contributes to its dullness. And who the hell is George Calombaris? Every time I read it, I yawn.

Unlike us, though… We were never boring. That’s our thing, you know: being a fun couple. Every day, we see each other; meet up as soon as possible, waiting for the clock to tick that last second, wanting to be together, still getting excited for something done regularly. I don’t know how it happened; how those hellos in the cafe went on to something so big. And this you and me thing debunks my stand on controlling my desires. I’ve never wanted anything so bad, for so long, and so consistent.

The moment we clicked, everything was in color. In fact, everything seemed plain before you came into my life. You are the dash of salt to my casserole. You’re the outline to my masterpiece. You’re the diction to my speech and writing.

But I never said we were a perfect couple. Like that sentence, our relationship also gets complicated. You see, when things get a little bit too tough for us, we have these habits. There are times when we don’t want to talk about it. But there are also times when we love to nag, and then ending up asking for space. We also tend blame each other. We are like those sophisticated words, when all we have to do is simplify our thoughts, lessen the drama, to then be able to understand each other. And well, you taught me that. You tamed this little monster. After all those fights, I don’t love you any less.

And have you noticed how that sentence is missing a period? That typographical error, that’s us too. Aside from fights, we also had our share of problems. Right now, we are facing another biggie, and I hate to admit that somehow, it still scares me. I have been sick a number of times, but we both know that this is different. A few weeks or even days from now (we don’t know yet), I will be up for a pretty serious operation. There’s this fear that’s been eating me up inside. I hate that I make you worry all the time, and I hate that I cannot be healthy for you at this moment. This is me, and this is as sickly as I can get. I always say sorry, because this is not how I pictured it before. But with the way you’ve been treating me, it gave me a better perspective of how lucky I am that I’m with someone like you, and not how dreadful my life is for being helpless. I love you for everything that you have done for me. You have been so patient in every possible way, and you have helped me believe in myself again. Like I always say, you are the source of my strength. That may sound very dependent of me, but I don’t care. Maybe that’s why I want you so much; I can’t live without your love. Ha-ha, see what I did there?

You are the first thing I think about every time I wake up. You’re probably thinking how cliche that sounds and might accuse me for stating false witness because I may be thinking about burgers or bass lines, but really, I can say that this is the most honest fact about me. I don’t get the science of love, but look how fascinating it is; thinking about that same person first thing in the morning for almost two years already, I mean, how crazy is that, right? And that is how that typo doesn’t become an error. Just when you thought it was hanging, it becomes endless. That absence signifies my undying love for you.

I will always want you, Sarah. Every day, I will seek you and love you more and more.

This is also the most raw note I could ever give to anyone. Forgive me, baby. But I typed everything just the way I’m saying it out loud to Janice (my laptop).

Happy Valentine’s Day to you, my wife <3

PS Happy 21st Monthsary to us, too :)

So this is what the sweetie was waiting for me to see! Happy Valentine’s Day & Happy 21st Month :)

Getting taken out of context — that’s me like 110% of the time haha

To the girl who still makes me smile like an idiot and talk about love like a typical girl

You know how people talk about wanting the kind of love that’s not fleeting, but not boring either? The perfect mix of intense and consistent? I’ve read countless books that talk about falling in love, yet not a lot of them actually talk about how to stay in love.

Well, to be honest, it’s not as easy as falling. We have had our share (or arguably more than that) of seemingly impossible problems. I had my moments of weakness, and you’ve had yours. I’m sure we’ll have more. I wouldn’t call myself an expert on these things, because that’s just not true. I could say, though, that staying isn’t, and at the same time is, about just plain old love.

I’m staying with you, after all this time, because ultimately, I love you. I may have other reasons, and maybe they count for more than I think. Mostly, though, they revolve around the fact that I couldn’t, wouldn’t let myself let go of what we have. Suddenly, it’s not just the sweet kisses or the endless conversations… It’s the wholeness of this human thing we celebrate every February 14th. It is really as much about the pain as it is about the high.

I am proud of us, because we have managed to retain that I-just-met-you vibe while building this relationship into what it is now. The excitement may have been what drew us in, but the stability is now essential, too. I’m proud of you because you have become stronger. I’m thankful because you didn’t ever allow me to carry all the weight by myself, and believe me, that’s really something I needed.

You were what I needed. I didn’t know it exactly two years ago. I know it now. I needed someone who could look at me and see that I am strong yet still imperfect and vulnerable. Someone who could trust that I would be worth it because I try my best, but wouldn’t take advantage of it. Someone who could let me be independent but know when to step in and have my back.

Thank you, because I know you would be worth all the fights I went through and will go through. Thank you for listening to my crazy ramblings and opinions, and for making me realize that I don’t have the monopoly on the truth. Thank you for arguing with me when needed, for both the solicited and unsolicited pieces of advice. For reminding me about things I wouldn’t let anybody else meddle with. Thank you for making me feel like an equal, while still treating me like a princess whenever you feel like it. Thank you for being such an interesting person that I’ve actually never let you go since day one.

I’ve never been good at expressing my feelings about you, or even more about our relationship. I tend to run out of words, or have too much in my head. I’m sorry; I tried.

Happy Valentine’s Day, sweetie. I love you. I promise you’ll get more of what you’ve always deserved. :)

(Fun) Fact: I don’t like my surname

and that is why I don’t mention it on my blog.

It has always been about the silver linings and rays of sunshine with you. I would not deny that we have had our cold nights. I couldn’t say we never have those I-hate-you-except-I-love-you moments. But I can say that even our worst days - not that I remember them or that I ever dared keep track - are ones I wouldn’t extract from my life if I had the chance. I would always choose to embrace those days, because they are still made of us - perhaps not of our best selves, but still us.

16 Sept 2013

On our sixteenth 16th. It doesn’t feel like it’s been months since this day. We’ve come a long way, love :)

What is it about love that makes us want it? Why do we crave this abstract thing that could come and go as it pleases?

Is it the uncertainty of falling in and out of love that attracts us, or the sheer possibility that it would slowly, agonizingly transform into its deeper - not necessarily more stable - form? 

How often have you looked at yourself in the mirror and wondered whether you’ll ever get the love you think you deserve?

Why I’m a shitty student

  • I have two exams tomorrow: managerial accounting & chemistry
  • I’m typing this
  • I just changed my tumblr theme (I’m keeping it this time, I swear)
  • I haven’t reviewed a lot
  • I don’t get most of our lessons in chem
  • I’m wondering if “open book and notes” for our acctg exam includes my downloaded PDF copy of the book